you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
