there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
