Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
