trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
