Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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