Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it was like eating out sand paper
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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