Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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