cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
As shirtless as possible
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
