just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
