well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
