The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
