The maid of honor just puked.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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