Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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