i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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