Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
