why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
