i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
