Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize