i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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