When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize