Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I pour the whiskey from now on
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
