The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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