I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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