If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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