I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
that is very illegal...i love you.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
