sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
