The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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