either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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