Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
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