I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
