The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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