His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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