So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I'm having to shit out rocks
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