I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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