i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
