rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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