made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
