"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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