I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize