I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
