When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
