There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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