sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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