dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
