My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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