I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
