Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
