Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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