woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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