My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
