I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
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