so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
