dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
