the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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