I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
