If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
