just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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