Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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