ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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