my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My ass is underappreciated
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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