The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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