I wish I could teleport
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
