Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
