Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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