My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I would ride that face into the sunset
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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