How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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